Murder, Basted and Barbecued Read online

  Brody pulled in with a pick-up truck that had a camper topper in the back, and joined the group just as the lights came up for the live announcement. We had a small TV set up to watch it too.

  “It’s still a few minutes before the top of the hour,” Jake said, looking at his watch. “It looks like they’re testing out that big overhead cable they spent all day setting up.”

  “That’s a zipline,” Junior told us. “Last year they had the big-name celebrity parachute in, but this year he’s coming in on that zipline. It starts on Big Bear Hill a couple of football fields away. He’ll fly in over the trees and end up right in front of his kitchen. I helped them test the cable.”

  “I hope he knows how to use the brake on that thing. The cable goes right into that big oak tree,” Deloris said. She can see the gruesome possibilities in just about anything.

  “It’s easy,” Junior said. “You just squeeze the brake with your hand and it slows you right down. They’ve got a guy on the platform on this end too. He’ll catch him before he gets to the tree if he’s going a little fast.”

  A bright light flashed five times above the kitchens, and a voice came over the loud speaker. “All quiet on the set.”

  Then the director cued Chef Monsoon’s co-host, Jennifer Gilliam.

  “Welcome everybody! It’s time for the big reveal. This year’s celebrity chef will be zipping in just one minute from now. Chef Monsoon, what can you tell us about this year’s celebrity chef?”

  “Well, Jennifer, our guest chef this year is a man whose name and face are familiar to EATS-TV aficionados. He hails from Oklahoma, and has built a reputation as the best Tex-Mex chef in the country.”

  “Oh, no,” Nancy Lu said, eyes wide and mouth open. “It can’t be...it better not be...”

  “He’s won more competitions than any other chef on the planet,” Monsoon continued, “and he’s anxious to add the title of World’s Best Outdoor Chef to his long list of honors now too.”

  Nancy Lu looked like she was on the verge of tears as Chef Monsoon raised his arm to direct everyone’s attention to a small figure in the spotlight starting his long slide down the zipline.

  “It’s that big red-headed dummy with freckles and a goofy smile,” Nancy Lu said. “Even though it’s a blind tasting by the judges, they can tell it’s his dish because it’s covered with corn and too much hot sauce. And they always give him the win.”

  Monsoon’s voice was filled with excitement. “Playing for his favorite charity, The Little Brothers of the Needy, here he comes...!”

  The figure got larger and larger as he approached the small stage at the end of the zipline. His head and body were cloaked in a glittery gold-lame cape as he screeched to a halt and was helped out of the harness.

  The tension was high as he crouched toward the camera and live audience, still shrouded in the golden wrap.

  “Ladies and gentlemen,” Monsoon said with pride, “The eyes of the world will be on our little tournament, because the most famous chef in the world has agreed to honor us by joining our select group. It’s the king of EATS-TV, the Cornpone Cowboy himself...”

  Cheers already started to rise from the excited crowd, as we all knew who it was. He stood up straight and spread his arms, looking like a royal butterfly with golden wings, as Monsoon finished his introduction.

  “...Let’s have a warm welcome for this year’s celebrity chef, our own Billy Flye!”

  Babs was really excited and bounced up and down on her toes. “Wow! It’s Chef Billy Flye, right here in McLean County!” She gave Jake a hug. “This is going to be so much fun! But, Jake, now you and Smoke have to beat Billy Flye!”

  “Beat Billy Flye?” Smoke said with a tone of defeat. “No one can beat Chef Flye.”

  “It’s not fair,” Nancy Lu complained. “Why, every food critic and chef in the country will go all goo-goo-eyed and just give him the win, same way they always do.”

  “Well, he is pretty good, Nancy Lu,” I said, “and very successful. He has top restaurants in New York, Las Vegas, L.A., and Monte Carlo. Maybe more.”

  “Which is exactly why he shouldn’t be competing here in the woods with the rest of us,” Nancy Lu said with a passionate tone. “That man is a Samurai Chef from that TV show, and he’s got two shows of his own on EATS-TV. Hmmph.” She folded her arms and rolled back into the shadows.

  Chapter Six

  There was still a lot of work to do before we slept. Brody looked tired and hungry, and so were the other men after a day of preparations.

  “Sit down, everybody,” Deloris announced. “Babsy and I are cooking up some dinner for Team Smoke’s crew and the Old School Diner family, and we’ve got a meatloaf coming out of the oven right now.”

  “It’s my mom’s recipe,” Babs said as she set plates around for all of us, “smothered in marinara sauce and served with spaghetti and garlic bread instead of mashed potatoes and gravy. We had an Italian neighbor when I was growing up, and she learned it from her, a lady named Rose Amato. I hope you like it!”

  “Sounds good to me!” Red said with a smile as he sat, ready for a well-deserved meal. “It’s like spaghetti and meatballs, except we each get a slice or two of one giant meatball!”

  “And it’s good timing, too,” Brody said to me. “I’ve got a rumbly in my tumbly.”

  “Okay, my big Pooh Bear.” He sat down by the nearest plate. I put my hands on his shoulders and kissed him on the cheek. “I’ll give the girls a hand getting the food on the table.”

  Jake and Junior were sitting and ready to eat too, as Deloris set a huge bowl of salad on the table.

  “It’s already dressed with red-wine vinegar and oil, some fresh-grated Parmesan, and a bucket of black olives, pepperoncini, and cherry tomatoes tossed in with the lettuce. Help yourselves – but be sure to use the tongs, Junior. Smoke, you get over here and sit down for a meal too.”

  “I’ll be there in a minute, Deloris. I’ve got to get my appetizers rubbed and in the marinade so they’ll be ready to start smoking before the ATV race tomorrow.”

  “What are you making?” I asked him as I drained a huge pot of pasta in the sink. We had to get water from the big water truck that EATS provided, but the boys rigged up a drain that sent all the water into a makeshift canal.

  “Well, I thought I would take my recipe for drunk chicken and use it for a batch of chicken wings.”

  “Oh! That sounds good. I love your drunk chicken, Smoke.”

  “I hope it turns out good. I’m going to soak it overnight in a dark Belgian beer and honey marinade, smoke it for four hours, and then crisp it up in the deep fryer. I’m doing it three ways, with teriyaki, buffalo, and brown-sugar Barbecue sauce, and I’ll serve it on a piece of white birch bark. I already peeled off four nice-sized pieces from a big ol’ birch tree, and I’ve got them drying in the smoker right now. Then I’ll serve it with cayenne honey mustard and blue-cheese pesto dipping sauces.”

  I was flabbergasted. “My goodness, Smoke! My mouth is watering. You’re really taking this thing seriously, aren’t you?”

  “Got to. Six chefs will get eliminated tomorrow, and the top 10 go into the weekend. Six more go home on Saturday. There’s only room for four in the big finale on Sunday, and you can figure that one of those places will be taken by Billy Flye.”

  “Well, let me know if you need a hand with any of those sauces or anything. I’m on your team, so use me for something any time. Now, put those wings in the marinade and come get some of Babs and Deloris’s meat loaf. It smells delicious.”

  “It sure does. I’ll be right behind you, Mercy.”

  Chapter Seven

  Ruby got to our campsite right after we finished eating dinner – and the Italian-style meatloaf was delicious! It was a good thing Ruby ate before she arrived, because there wasn’t a strand of spaghetti or a crumble of the meatloaf left.

  “Good timing!” Red said as he saw the big RV pull into the spot behind our kitchen. “I’m ready for a good snooze, and
it’s getting pretty chilly out here.”

  We were all tired from a long day and walked to the campsite to meet Ruby. The RV was not as big and new as Dandy Randy’s, but it was very nice, with a bathroom and shower, and it slept six.

  Ruby leaned out the door as we got close to her big camper, and waved a welcoming arm for us to come in. “Come on in guys!” she said with a cheerful smile. “The beer and soda are nice and cold!”

  “We can’t turn down an offer like that,” I said, motioning for Deloris and Babs to go in ahead of me. They had done all the cooking and cleaned up the mess afterwards – plus they had a few years on me.

  The four of us women gathered around a kitchen table attached to the wall, like one of my restaurant booths, and Brody pulled up a chair on the end. The other three men sat on the long sofa.

  “There’s beer and soda on ice in the big cooler on the floor,” Ruby announced.

  Jake and Junior dived in and each grabbed a beer right away. “Beer, Brody?” Jake asked, holding out a cold one towards my guy.

  Brody looked at me. “Beer, honey?”

  “No, thanks. But you go ahead. You should have a beer with the guys.”

  “Yeah, I think I will. A beer sounds good right about now. And I brought mouthwash with me.”

  “You must be planning on kissing somebody,” I said with a smile, and kissed him on the cheek. “Is there a bottle of iced tea in there, Jake? Send four of them over here for the girls.”

  “Beer for me, Jake,” Deloris grumbled. “I haven’t been a girl for 40 years, so I hope it’s okay with our spokesmodel here.”

  She gave me a raised eyebrow and judgmental look, but I just smiled. That’s Deloris.

  “Water for me and Smoke, Jake,” Red said, looking weary. “I’m going to turn in pretty soon.”

  “I hope it’s this toasty warm in your little camper, Brody,” I said, a little worried. “It’s been nice and warm in the daytime, middle sixties all week. But it gets cold overnight.”

  “There’s no heat and not much insulation, Mercy. I promise you won’t get cold, though.” He smiled and kissed me. I wasn’t convinced. Cuddling was nice, but I liked to be warm when I got out of bed.

  “We should probably figure out our accommodations for sleeping tonight,” Deloris suggested.

  “There’s a double mattress in the loft, a master bedroom in the back for two, and another double bed right here, when I lower the table down and put more seat cushions on top. The sofa is mine,” Ruby told us.

  “Well, Babsy,” Deloris said and then took a drink of her beer, “Should we take the bedroom or the loft?”

  Babs looked at her with a guilty face. Then she looked at Jake. “I was thinking maybe...”

  “Me and Babs will take the loft,” Jake said. We’re younger than the rest of you, so we’ll do the climbing.”

  Deloris just shook her head. “Well, hoopty doopty doo. So, I’m supposed to sleep on the floor? Or do you think I’m going to bed down with Junior? Or one of those old farts?” she said, pointing to Smoke and Red.

  “I’ll take the bullet for the team. You can sleep with me, Deloris,” Red said with his famous grin.

  “In your dreams, old man.”

  “You take the bedroom, Deloris,” Junior offered. “I can sleep in the pick-up truck.”

  “No way!” Ruby objected. “It’s 40 degrees out there now, and it’ll be down to 31 by morning. I’ve got extra sleeping bags and a foam mat. You’ll stay right here on the floor, Junior.”

  I LOVED OUR VETERANS, but I really didn’t need to hear Reveille blaring from Smoke’s bugle outside the camper window before even the birds and crickets were awake. Brody’s camper was way too cold for me, so I shared the big bed with Deloris. It was glorious – while it lasted.

  “No time for snoozing, you lazy dogs!” I heard Smoke shout as he walked inside the RV. “We’ve got some cooking to do and an ATV race to win, now let’s snap to it! Up, up, up!”

  I looked out my little window. Nothing but black. I wrapped my long terrycloth robe around me and stepped into the living room.

  “Couldn’t you at least wait until dawn’s early light, Sarge?”

  “Waiting is for the weak and the losers. Are you a winner or a loser, soldier?”

  I looked at Smoke.

  “Well?” he persisted. “Which is it?”

  “I’m thinking it over.” I knew I couldn’t disappoint Smoke. This tournament meant everything to him. “I’m already up and awake, so I guess I must be a winner. Yay! I get the shower first.”

  “Just pull the cord to get wet and again to rinse,” Ruby instructed. “The water supply is limited – and lukewarm.”

  Lukewarm feels more like ice cold at 5:30 in the morning, but at least Ruby had coffee and pancakes ready.

  “’Mornin’, all!” Brody said happily as he bounced into Ruby’s camper, fully dressed in his uniform. “Do I smell hot cakes, fresh off the griddle?” He rubbed his hands together enthusiastically and stepped toward the tiny kitchen.

  The zombie crew around the little table looked at him like he just arrived from outer space.

  “How can you be so chipper at this ungodly hour, Sheriff?” Babs asked, her chin in her hand and her body slumped over the table. She patted the spot on the cushion next to her. “Sit down Sheriff.”

  “I’ve been up for an hour, jogged the trail up to Big Bear and back, and then bathed in the freezing river with Bambi and some butterflies.”

  “Bambi better be a baby deer and not a dancer from that club we passed on the way out here,” I said as I set a plate of fresh pancakes in front of him – the plate I had prepared for myself.

  “Well, do those dancers have short brown fur with some spots and a white tail?”

  I patted him on the back. “As long as she had four legs, you can eat my pancakes.”

  He winked at me and swatted my bottom. I grabbed some of his shoulder skin between my forefinger and thumb and twisted.

  “Ow! Sorry, babe. Loneliness does terrible things to a man.”

  “Maybe we can cure your loneliness tonight,” I whispered to him and rubbed his sore arm.

  Chapter Seven

  Ruby, Brody, and I stepped out into the brisk morning air for a little walk after breakfast. The air was still cool, but the sun was beginning to burn off the haze from its perch above the horizon. There were campfires next to many of the campers in the little city behind the scenes of the big event.

  “Let’s make a lap around the whole perimeter,” Brody suggested. “We can see what some of the other teams are up to.”

  “And maybe we can meet some of the big-name chefs!” Ruby added with a tone of excitement.

  “Good idea,” I said. “We can be like beat cops, checking out the neighborhood for the Sheriff, and we can be fan girls for the celebrity chefs.” And I can do a little recon for Team Smoke, seeing what I can find out about what the competition is cooking up.

  Ruby slapped my arm playfully. “I’m not a fan girl, Mercy, just...”

  “Just a star-struck groupie and autograph hound.”

  She wrinkled her mouth at me. “Yeah.”

  “And with your powers of observation, Mercy,” Brody said as we passed Randy’s RV and headed into celebrity territory, “you can spy on the other teams and snoop around for inside information.”

  “You’re learning, Grasshopper.”

  “Oh, it’s Grasshopper now. At least you didn’t call me Watson again. I’m Sherlock, and you are my novice sidekick.”

  “I should give you a swift kick in the side...Robin.”

  “Ha! I’m pretty sure I can do that raspy Batman voice better than you, Tonto.”

  “Don’t make me go all Powerpuff Girl on you.”

  “You guys!” Ruby whispered excitedly, “It’s Margot Steward!”

  I looked up to see the nicely-aging blonde goddess of homemaking. We all stopped in our tracks. Even I was a little awe-struck to see this woman who had been a giant in TV and m
edia all my life. She dominated women’s do-it-yourself TV shows, books, magazines, and discount store fashions for girls, women, and bathrooms. “She’s looking good, but she’s not exactly a chef, is she, Ruby?”

  “She married Andy Gourdaine, the Gallivanting Gastronome. She must be on his team.”

  Margot spotted us all gawking at her like deer in headlights. She smiled warmly, stepped toward us, and gave us a welcoming gesture.

  “Welcome to my home-away-from home, ladies and Officer.”

  I swear I could see bluebirds flitting around her head and shoulders, and a trail of glitter emanating from her arms and gently flowing skirt as she opened her arms to welcome us.

  “Please! Please come in. I’m Margot.”

  We walked forward, arm-in-arm, like Dorothy, Scarecrow, and Tin Man walking into the Wizard’s chamber for the first time.

  “It’s so nice to meet you,” Ruby said shaking her hand and breaking the ice. She introduced all of us to Margot. “I DVR your show and watch it every day after school. I always make your delicious gingerbread men for Christmas, and I still top my tree with the big star I made from gold and silver wrapping paper when I was a little girl. You showed us how on your show.”

  Margot seemed genuinely impressed. “Oh, sweetheart!” She stretched out her arms and embraced Ruby tightly. “You really are an adorable darling, aren’t you? I never had a daughter, but I always imagined she would have grown to be a woman just like you.”

  She kissed Ruby on the forehead and held her shoulders at an arm’s length, with her loving motherly smile on her famous face. Ruby had a tear of joy on her cheek, and I felt a little emotional tightness in my throat.

  “Come!” Margot said to us. “Let’s go through to the kitchen, and I’ll show you what I’m working on.”